setbacks and successes

I’ve had a hard time getting back into the swing of training. After my winter hibernation workouts at the gym, I’ve lost a lot of my endurance simply because the treadmill is just not right for me. Now when I run, I feel sloppy and unnatural, like my body has forgotten how to do it properly. When I was training last summer, there came a point when my body would just propel itself forward sometimes…I could feel it telling me “now it’s time to go faster!” and I would just let it, and it felt great. Then after several seconds I could feel it saying “okay, time to slow down” and it would just happen. Now when I run, I feel like I’ve never done it before, like I’m working so hard just to stay upright and not trip all over my own feet. I miss being able to just zone out and let my body do its thing. I haven’t missed the struggle.

Last Thursday was the first time this year that I felt my body indicating that it wanted to take over and guide me. I felt so relieved in that moment but at the same time I’ve felt discouraged at how much progress I’ve lost. So over the last several weeks, I’ve missed some runs. I’ve had to run a couple days back-to-back just to get in all three runs each week. I look at the chart on the wall where I’m tracking my progress and instead of feeling excited about what I’ve accomplished, I feel ashamed at what I haven’t. I regret letting myself lose so much of my ability. I don’t feel proud at all.

Then yesterday I read this post on Don Miller’s blog. I’ve always had this problem…I’m an overachiever and have difficulty setting realistic expectations when I get a new project in my head. But worst of all, when I see that I’m failing at meeting the expectations I’ve set for myself, I become overwhelmed with guilt. (Guilt is a serious issue I struggle with…at some point there’s going to have to be a whole post dedicated to it.) I get stuck in this whirlwind of what I should’ve done, and what a failure I am, that I can’t feel motivated anymore, and that I’d rather just give up entirely.

So I decided to take that training tracker off the wall and throw it in the garbage. I decided to make a new one. A fresh one. With new dates and new (slightly altered) expectations. There’s no point in staring at everything I haven’t done if it’s keeping me from making progress. So I’m starting over as of this week.

As of today, I’m done thinking about what I didn’t do over the last few weeks. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up early and start over at Week 1, Run 1 of my training. At some point we overachievers have to choose to move on from what didn’t happen and be merciful enough on ourselves to start over. A clean slate.

I’m not going to let the past dictate the future. I’m going to stop getting stuck in regret. And I’m going to stop feeling guilty.

And I’m going to run.

dear mothers

Dear mothers,

You might say I have no right to claim what I’m about to claim, to admonish what I’m about to admonish. You might say that, because I don’t yet have children of my own, I have no right to request what I’m about to request. But I think it’s because I’m still only a daughter and not a mother that I can plainly see this problem.

Mothers, your daughters are listening to you, watching you. When you grimace at your reflection in the mirror, when you bitterly reminisce about how much you weighed in your 20s, your daughters see and hear you. Not only do they see and hear, but they internalize. Without realizing it, they begin to think the same, even from a young age. Without realizing it, you are perpetuating a lifetime of self-destructive thinking.

And it’s not just your daughters who hear and see this behavior. You must think of yourselves as potential mentors to every young woman, because we are always listening and watching your example. When you are constantly stuck in the past, it subconsciously makes us fearful about the future! Conversely, when you are content with your life and can value your own beauty, we have proof that it’s possible to age with self-respect, that we can be proud of our lives when we’re a little older, even if we have a few wrinkles and can’t wear size 6 pants anymore. When you show us dignity, we internalize that, too.

Despite how you see yourselves, I see you as well-versed, amazing women who have done much, seen much. I see women who should be praised for their accomplishments. The lines around your eyes tell me you’ve smiled heartily during your life. Your stretch marks tell me your body has been through feats of strength and difficulty. I respect you for the things you’ve achieved; I don’t judge you. Why do you so harshly judge yourselves?

You deserve the love you can give to yourself. But if you don’t do it for yourself, at least consider your daughters, and all the other women who learn from your example.

There are two cycles. Please work to extinguish the cycle of self-deprecation and build instead a cycle of pride. The way you treat yourselves teaches me to do the same.

(This post is dedicated to Marjorie Smith, my grandmother, who lives a fearless and boisterous life.)

reasons

I’m just over ²/₃ of the way through my 5k training. For 12 weeks I’ve been slowly improving. When I began, I was alternating 1 minute of jogging and 1-1/2 minutes of walking. I thought for sure in those first few weeks that there was just no way I’d ever get to the place where I could jog an entire 5k.

Tomorrow morning when I wake up, I’m going to get dressed, lace up my sneakers, and jog for 25 minutes straight. To athletes out there and to people who have been fit at some point in their lives, this might not sound like much of an accomplishment, but as trite as it sounds, thinking about it almost brings me to tears. It feels very surreal when I get done with my run. Sometimes I just laugh out loud, into the quiet of the morning, with no one else around to hear, because it seems so unlikely that it could be possible! I jogged for 25 minutes! Unreal!

Please believe me when I commit to you that if I can do this, you can do this! Start small. Work your way through. Make sure someone is there to hold you accountable. But most of all, have at least one good reason to change your life, because in those moments when your quads are cramping, your ankle hurts, you’re out of breath, and you feel like you can’t take another step, you have got to have a reason to keep going, a reason to push through.

Honestly, before I started training, I didn’t put much thought into my reasons. But what I’ve noticed is, in those moments when I want to quit, my mind automatically wanders to those reasons. Here are a few of mine:

1. To motivate others. If you know me personally, you know that being a good example to other people is important to me. I have always desired to be someone that people can look up to and can learn from. If I’m not taking care of myself, how can I expect others to take care of themselves?
2. To build confidence. Visibly, my body hasn’t changed much. The most notable change so far is that my calves are really muscular now! But my shirts and pants don’t feel any looser. I don’t really look that different. But I feel so different. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman, a strong woman who is capable and powerful. When you respect yourself enough to take care of yourself, your eyes are opened to your strength, which is one of your most stunning attributes!
3. To prevent health issues in the future. It is no secret that I have a blood clotting disorder. I have seen the damage this condition has done in my own immediate family, and I never want to repeat these problems in my own life. My future and the future of my family depends upon my health, so I mean to take control of it.
4. To be the best I can be for my husband. A lot of people say that you “let yourself go” when you get into a serious relationship. To an extent, that is true—you become very comfortable around your mate, which can be a wonderful thing. But if I can’t take care of myself for my husband, my lifelong partner, for whom can I? It’s not just about looking my best, either, although I would be lying if I said that isn’t a bonus. It’s about being an inspiration to the person who inspires me. Part of our responsibility and privilege to each other is to push one another to live well.
5. To prove to myself that I can do it! I was never in sports. I’m the kid who tripped on the kickball and got the wind knocked out of her. I’m the kid who hung helplessly on the rope, unable to move up, while the gym teacher yelled at her to climb. I’m the kid who gave up after one sprint across the basketball court, and probably faked an injury just to be done for the day. I have built this wall of impossibility around myself through all of these experiences over the course of my life, and I realize that I am the only person who can tear those walls down.

And tear them down I will!

mirror

Don’t ever trust Mirror. I have found that Mirror is pretty much a consistent liar, and honestly, who wants to listen to a liar?

I know Mirror is a chronic liar because on Wednesday when I was getting ready for work, Mirror told me my hair looked awful. She said it was frizzy and wasn’t curling in the right places. Needless to say this was pretty disheartening, but I had an early meeting so I didn’t have time to mess with it. I just ignored Mirror and went to work anyway.

Throughout the day, people kept commenting on my hair. “Your hair looks different today…I like it.” “I love the way your hair is curling today, kind of wavy.” “Your hair looks nice today.” All the while I’m thinking, Mirror said my hair looked bad! What is going on here?

And then I went to talk to a friend of mine, and noticed that her hair looked awfully cute, and I told her so. You know what she said? “Really? I think it doesn’t look too great today.” This is when I realized…Mirror is a liar. If Mirror had told the truth, my friend would have realized how adorable her hair was on Wednesday.

Have you ever tried to convince a friend that her hair looks fine, her shirt doesn’t make her look fat, or those shoes don’t make her look stumpy? It’s a really hard battle to wage considering your friend’s Mirror pretty much yelled at her, degraded her, and made her feel terrible.

But the honest truth is, as we all know, mirrors aren’t the ones lying to us. We are the ones looking out at ourselves, and we are the ones that are so critical. More important than the fact that your hair must look fine because your friend said so is the fact that we are too hard on ourselves. We’re the ones who are judgmental.

Let’s see the beauty in the mirror today. Let’s rewrite the way we see ourselves.

-

photo (Between Our Equilibriums Are Positive/Negative Mirrors) by DerrickT via Flickr

what if…

"Be willing to be your own best friend, and talk to yourself that way, too."

this is me

This is me. I chose this picture very specifically for this post. I’m not wearing make-up, my hair isn’t done, I’m not really posing for the camera trying to look my best, and, most importantly, this is a profile picture, and I much prefer a straight-on shot of me than a profile pic. We’ll get into why in another post, but I wanted to go ahead and post a picture of myself that isn’t my best picture, if nothing else to show you that I mean to be transparent here. I want anyone who reads this to understand that you aren’t the only person who feels the way you do about your body. It’s very important that all of us get it—it is normal to have these struggles and feelings of inadequacy. But what isn’t normal is letting those struggles and feelings run your life. See that it might not be the best photo of you and move on. A photo only shows people your visual aspects, and those aren’t the most important, despite what our world might be telling us.

I also wanted to post a photo of myself to show you that it isn’t just certain types of people who feel insecure. I’m a relatively average girl. I am overweight but not by too much (according to health standards, mind you!). I have relatively clear skin, small ears, a nose that curves out, uneven toes, unruly hair, dark under-eye circles, and very peely finger nails. Why is all this important? Because I have to live in this skin, with these bones. This is me, and I have to improve myself as much as I can to live healthily and happily, but I have to accept the things I can’t change.

And so do you.

the antivanity 101

“Seeking health & happiness in a world demanding flawlessness.” 

I have always felt very passionate about the issues of self-esteem, media, body image, societal expectations, and health vs. superficial beauty. This is probably because I struggle with all of these myself. Please don’t anticipate that I have it all figured out. I struggle particularly with confidence among other things. But we all do. All of us have felt like we’re too tall or too short or our boobs are too big or too small or our feet look funny or we have weird knees.

Here on The Antivanity I’m going to write about my own struggles with self-esteem and body image, about how to try to combat those negative feelings we have about ourselves, and especially about prioritizing health over looks (something I notice almost 100% of women grappling with in my daily life). I’m no expert, but I’m right in the thick of it…

just like you.