running brokenhearted

Inspiration comes from a multitude of places, some less expected than others. There's your husband, who tells you that, despite your weeks of awful times and no endurance whatsoever, that you just have to keep pushing through. There's your runner friend who says that it's all in your head and that you should try doing multiplication problems when you start to psyche yourself out.

And then there's Ni No Kuni.

Ni No Kuni is a popular JRPG. It's a charming little story that follows the journey of a little boy, Oliver, as he saves the land from heartbrokenness. People all throughout the land lack courage, or enthusiasm, or kindness. And people all throughout the land also have a bit of excess of those virtues. So Oliver waves his magic wand, takes "heart" from one such "excessive" person, and then gives the bit of virtue to the person who's lacking.

Funnily enough, one of the virtues is confidence. And wouldn't you know that right about the time I'm really struggling with my running, ready to cry after every workout because I have no endurance, no speed, and generally feel like a failure, we come across in the game a little boy named Denny. Denny is seen jogging all throughout town, day after day, training hard. Then suddenly his friend realizes she hasn’t seen him in a while. When the group goes to find him, they find out that he’s brokenhearted. He loses his confidence, has one bad day, doesn't make the team, and then per the game's pattern, is possessed by a nightmare!

So Oliver and co. fight and destroy the nightmare, do some wand-waving, give Denny some confidence, and he's back to normal in no time.

Wouldn't it be nice if that's all it took? If someone could just say a few magic words and give you back some ambition, belief, or courage when you're feeling down or not feeling like yourself? Unfortunately that's not an option.

But it is in our power to keep pushing. It's in our power to lend grace to ourselves and to make ourselves do things that we don't feel like doing.

So after weeks of feeling depressed about my terrible running and after a couple super exhausting weeks at work, I decided that I should drive over to a nearby trail where I've never run before and knock out this 3.5 miles.

Last time I went running, I did well to just jog the 1.5 miles without stopping. It was super hard, and I was sure I would never be able to jog the whole 5k that I have coming up in just a few short weeks.

But today was different. Today I made a choice to force myself to do that thing which I was convinced I could not do: run the whole 3.5 miles without stopping to walk. I made a choice to focus on the distance and not the speed, to do some math in my head when I thought I couldn't breathe, to absolutely not let myself stop running for any reason!

And that's exactly what I did.

Life, just like working out, is going to land us in these situations that we're not confident about. Situations in which we have a choice to complain, to fail, or to persevere. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do the very thing we are so sure we cannot do. And then we shock ourselves when we actually do it!

We shock ourselves so much that, after the run is over, we shamelessly raise our arms into the air and start half-laughing, half-crying at the thought of what we just accomplished.

Encouragement and suggestions and even love from others can take us pretty far, but we will not overcome that challenge until we give ourselves some tough love and push on long enough (sometimes for weeks) to break through the wall that's been holding us back.

In the end, all I needed was a little confidence. Oliver wasn't here to cast "Give Heart," but I pushed on.

It's not as easy as waving a magic wand, but it's so very worth it.

reasons

I’m just over ²/₃ of the way through my 5k training. For 12 weeks I’ve been slowly improving. When I began, I was alternating 1 minute of jogging and 1-1/2 minutes of walking. I thought for sure in those first few weeks that there was just no way I’d ever get to the place where I could jog an entire 5k.

Tomorrow morning when I wake up, I’m going to get dressed, lace up my sneakers, and jog for 25 minutes straight. To athletes out there and to people who have been fit at some point in their lives, this might not sound like much of an accomplishment, but as trite as it sounds, thinking about it almost brings me to tears. It feels very surreal when I get done with my run. Sometimes I just laugh out loud, into the quiet of the morning, with no one else around to hear, because it seems so unlikely that it could be possible! I jogged for 25 minutes! Unreal!

Please believe me when I commit to you that if I can do this, you can do this! Start small. Work your way through. Make sure someone is there to hold you accountable. But most of all, have at least one good reason to change your life, because in those moments when your quads are cramping, your ankle hurts, you’re out of breath, and you feel like you can’t take another step, you have got to have a reason to keep going, a reason to push through.

Honestly, before I started training, I didn’t put much thought into my reasons. But what I’ve noticed is, in those moments when I want to quit, my mind automatically wanders to those reasons. Here are a few of mine:

1. To motivate others. If you know me personally, you know that being a good example to other people is important to me. I have always desired to be someone that people can look up to and can learn from. If I’m not taking care of myself, how can I expect others to take care of themselves?
2. To build confidence. Visibly, my body hasn’t changed much. The most notable change so far is that my calves are really muscular now! But my shirts and pants don’t feel any looser. I don’t really look that different. But I feel so different. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman, a strong woman who is capable and powerful. When you respect yourself enough to take care of yourself, your eyes are opened to your strength, which is one of your most stunning attributes!
3. To prevent health issues in the future. It is no secret that I have a blood clotting disorder. I have seen the damage this condition has done in my own immediate family, and I never want to repeat these problems in my own life. My future and the future of my family depends upon my health, so I mean to take control of it.
4. To be the best I can be for my husband. A lot of people say that you “let yourself go” when you get into a serious relationship. To an extent, that is true—you become very comfortable around your mate, which can be a wonderful thing. But if I can’t take care of myself for my husband, my lifelong partner, for whom can I? It’s not just about looking my best, either, although I would be lying if I said that isn’t a bonus. It’s about being an inspiration to the person who inspires me. Part of our responsibility and privilege to each other is to push one another to live well.
5. To prove to myself that I can do it! I was never in sports. I’m the kid who tripped on the kickball and got the wind knocked out of her. I’m the kid who hung helplessly on the rope, unable to move up, while the gym teacher yelled at her to climb. I’m the kid who gave up after one sprint across the basketball court, and probably faked an injury just to be done for the day. I have built this wall of impossibility around myself through all of these experiences over the course of my life, and I realize that I am the only person who can tear those walls down.

And tear them down I will!

mirror

Don’t ever trust Mirror. I have found that Mirror is pretty much a consistent liar, and honestly, who wants to listen to a liar?

I know Mirror is a chronic liar because on Wednesday when I was getting ready for work, Mirror told me my hair looked awful. She said it was frizzy and wasn’t curling in the right places. Needless to say this was pretty disheartening, but I had an early meeting so I didn’t have time to mess with it. I just ignored Mirror and went to work anyway.

Throughout the day, people kept commenting on my hair. “Your hair looks different today…I like it.” “I love the way your hair is curling today, kind of wavy.” “Your hair looks nice today.” All the while I’m thinking, Mirror said my hair looked bad! What is going on here?

And then I went to talk to a friend of mine, and noticed that her hair looked awfully cute, and I told her so. You know what she said? “Really? I think it doesn’t look too great today.” This is when I realized…Mirror is a liar. If Mirror had told the truth, my friend would have realized how adorable her hair was on Wednesday.

Have you ever tried to convince a friend that her hair looks fine, her shirt doesn’t make her look fat, or those shoes don’t make her look stumpy? It’s a really hard battle to wage considering your friend’s Mirror pretty much yelled at her, degraded her, and made her feel terrible.

But the honest truth is, as we all know, mirrors aren’t the ones lying to us. We are the ones looking out at ourselves, and we are the ones that are so critical. More important than the fact that your hair must look fine because your friend said so is the fact that we are too hard on ourselves. We’re the ones who are judgmental.

Let’s see the beauty in the mirror today. Let’s rewrite the way we see ourselves.

-

photo (Between Our Equilibriums Are Positive/Negative Mirrors) by DerrickT via Flickr

the weight obsession

I have a scale in my house, but not for the same reason as most people. Most people take their weight and obsess over it—their weight becomes their worth. I have a scale so I can accurately calculate my body fat percentage, a measure of health.

Our culture has become so obsessed with two things: weight and appearance. Because of this obsession, many people let their actual health fall to the wayside, lost in the fray of counting calories and fitting into one size smaller. The amazing truth is, when you’re healthy, the weight and appearance factors fall right where you wanted them to be in the first place. And even then, when you’re healthy, you don’t really care as much about weight and appearance. You feel so much more energized and so much more confident when you’re healthy, that those other things aren’t as important anymore.

I don’t want to imply that weight isn’t important. When you’ve already found yourself in the unhealthy weight category, it is important to get your weight under control. Being overweight can contribute to diabetes, stress on the muscles and joints, and can lead to heart attack and stroke. But if we treat our bodies as though health is our priority, we will eat well, exercise regularly, and otherwise take care of ourselves. A healthy weight will follow.

Body fat percentage is a far better measure of your current health. Basically, body fat percentage tells you how much of your body is fat and how much is lean body mass (muscles, bones, etc.). There are different ranges for different people depending on gender and lifestyle. For instance, men don’t need as much body fat as women do in order to be healthy. Also, naturally, an athlete’s body fat percentage will be far lower than an average person’s percentage. I strongly recommend that you do some research and find out 1) what your current body fat percentage is, 2) what it should be, and 3) what you need to do to be healthy based on what you find.

I encourage you to check out this website where body fat percentage is explained in an easy-to-understand way. The site also shows a chart of healthy body fat percentages. One of the most important points this particular site makes is that often a person’s weight goal is actually an unhealthy weight. Go check it out—you might be surprised by what you find.

The most accurate way to calculate body fat percentage that’s available to the average person is to use a hand-held body fat analyzer like one of these. Luckily for me we already have one of these in our house because my husband is a personal trainer and he bought one to use with his clients. They’re really not too expensive, especially when you consider how much money people sometimes spend just on a scale. But if for some reason you’d rather not buy one, you can also use online calculators like this one. They’re not as accurate, but they’re still a better measurement of your health than just a scale.

It’s quite difficult to rewrite in our minds what’s important, but the weight obsession is a dangerous one.

Prioritize health.

the antivanity 101

“Seeking health & happiness in a world demanding flawlessness.” 

I have always felt very passionate about the issues of self-esteem, media, body image, societal expectations, and health vs. superficial beauty. This is probably because I struggle with all of these myself. Please don’t anticipate that I have it all figured out. I struggle particularly with confidence among other things. But we all do. All of us have felt like we’re too tall or too short or our boobs are too big or too small or our feet look funny or we have weird knees.

Here on The Antivanity I’m going to write about my own struggles with self-esteem and body image, about how to try to combat those negative feelings we have about ourselves, and especially about prioritizing health over looks (something I notice almost 100% of women grappling with in my daily life). I’m no expert, but I’m right in the thick of it…

just like you.