setbacks and successes

I’ve had a hard time getting back into the swing of training. After my winter hibernation workouts at the gym, I’ve lost a lot of my endurance simply because the treadmill is just not right for me. Now when I run, I feel sloppy and unnatural, like my body has forgotten how to do it properly. When I was training last summer, there came a point when my body would just propel itself forward sometimes…I could feel it telling me “now it’s time to go faster!” and I would just let it, and it felt great. Then after several seconds I could feel it saying “okay, time to slow down” and it would just happen. Now when I run, I feel like I’ve never done it before, like I’m working so hard just to stay upright and not trip all over my own feet. I miss being able to just zone out and let my body do its thing. I haven’t missed the struggle.

Last Thursday was the first time this year that I felt my body indicating that it wanted to take over and guide me. I felt so relieved in that moment but at the same time I’ve felt discouraged at how much progress I’ve lost. So over the last several weeks, I’ve missed some runs. I’ve had to run a couple days back-to-back just to get in all three runs each week. I look at the chart on the wall where I’m tracking my progress and instead of feeling excited about what I’ve accomplished, I feel ashamed at what I haven’t. I regret letting myself lose so much of my ability. I don’t feel proud at all.

Then yesterday I read this post on Don Miller’s blog. I’ve always had this problem…I’m an overachiever and have difficulty setting realistic expectations when I get a new project in my head. But worst of all, when I see that I’m failing at meeting the expectations I’ve set for myself, I become overwhelmed with guilt. (Guilt is a serious issue I struggle with…at some point there’s going to have to be a whole post dedicated to it.) I get stuck in this whirlwind of what I should’ve done, and what a failure I am, that I can’t feel motivated anymore, and that I’d rather just give up entirely.

So I decided to take that training tracker off the wall and throw it in the garbage. I decided to make a new one. A fresh one. With new dates and new (slightly altered) expectations. There’s no point in staring at everything I haven’t done if it’s keeping me from making progress. So I’m starting over as of this week.

As of today, I’m done thinking about what I didn’t do over the last few weeks. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up early and start over at Week 1, Run 1 of my training. At some point we overachievers have to choose to move on from what didn’t happen and be merciful enough on ourselves to start over. A clean slate.

I’m not going to let the past dictate the future. I’m going to stop getting stuck in regret. And I’m going to stop feeling guilty.

And I’m going to run.

round 2…fight!

Most of you who read this blog are friends with me on Facebook, so even though I didn’t post on here about it, you know that my official time in the 5k back in October was 30:26. I counted that as a substantial victory, because I know I lost at least 30 seconds at the beginning when I was stuck in the crowd, so I was victorious in achieving my goal! I came in 11th out of 51 women in my age group. But numbers and stats aside, that race was a win simply because I ran the whole thing. When I started training last June, I was running 60 seconds at a time, maximum. It was hard. I doubted myself even on Day 1. And when the 5k came around, I ran for 30 minutes straight! I wanted to quit several times and just walk for a few steps, but I pushed through it, and I’m so glad I did.

There’s the obvious physical benefits of what I’ve accomplished, but what has happened to me emotionally is worth far more. I reflect on last summer and on the 5k with pride and renewed strength. I’m filled with confidence when I see these photos of a moment when I proved to myself that I was capable of more than I ever thought possible, that I am capable of even more than I think possible right now!

During the winter, I didn’t run much. I discovered that I loathe running on the treadmill and, let’s face it, I’m just plain bad at it. I can run about a half-mile to a mile now before I get really fatigued, so I’ve kept some of my conditioning but lost much. This weekend marked the first lovely, warm, Springtime weekend in Nashville, so I’m confident that I can start running outside again soon and get back to my normal (strong, capable, runner) self!

The next step for me is to train to improve my time. I haven’t decided on a goal time yet, nor have I signed up for a 5k, but I’m going to start training again in a couple weeks with a Fall 5k in mind, so I’ll keep you posted.

reasons

I’m just over ²/₃ of the way through my 5k training. For 12 weeks I’ve been slowly improving. When I began, I was alternating 1 minute of jogging and 1-1/2 minutes of walking. I thought for sure in those first few weeks that there was just no way I’d ever get to the place where I could jog an entire 5k.

Tomorrow morning when I wake up, I’m going to get dressed, lace up my sneakers, and jog for 25 minutes straight. To athletes out there and to people who have been fit at some point in their lives, this might not sound like much of an accomplishment, but as trite as it sounds, thinking about it almost brings me to tears. It feels very surreal when I get done with my run. Sometimes I just laugh out loud, into the quiet of the morning, with no one else around to hear, because it seems so unlikely that it could be possible! I jogged for 25 minutes! Unreal!

Please believe me when I commit to you that if I can do this, you can do this! Start small. Work your way through. Make sure someone is there to hold you accountable. But most of all, have at least one good reason to change your life, because in those moments when your quads are cramping, your ankle hurts, you’re out of breath, and you feel like you can’t take another step, you have got to have a reason to keep going, a reason to push through.

Honestly, before I started training, I didn’t put much thought into my reasons. But what I’ve noticed is, in those moments when I want to quit, my mind automatically wanders to those reasons. Here are a few of mine:

1. To motivate others. If you know me personally, you know that being a good example to other people is important to me. I have always desired to be someone that people can look up to and can learn from. If I’m not taking care of myself, how can I expect others to take care of themselves?
2. To build confidence. Visibly, my body hasn’t changed much. The most notable change so far is that my calves are really muscular now! But my shirts and pants don’t feel any looser. I don’t really look that different. But I feel so different. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman, a strong woman who is capable and powerful. When you respect yourself enough to take care of yourself, your eyes are opened to your strength, which is one of your most stunning attributes!
3. To prevent health issues in the future. It is no secret that I have a blood clotting disorder. I have seen the damage this condition has done in my own immediate family, and I never want to repeat these problems in my own life. My future and the future of my family depends upon my health, so I mean to take control of it.
4. To be the best I can be for my husband. A lot of people say that you “let yourself go” when you get into a serious relationship. To an extent, that is true—you become very comfortable around your mate, which can be a wonderful thing. But if I can’t take care of myself for my husband, my lifelong partner, for whom can I? It’s not just about looking my best, either, although I would be lying if I said that isn’t a bonus. It’s about being an inspiration to the person who inspires me. Part of our responsibility and privilege to each other is to push one another to live well.
5. To prove to myself that I can do it! I was never in sports. I’m the kid who tripped on the kickball and got the wind knocked out of her. I’m the kid who hung helplessly on the rope, unable to move up, while the gym teacher yelled at her to climb. I’m the kid who gave up after one sprint across the basketball court, and probably faked an injury just to be done for the day. I have built this wall of impossibility around myself through all of these experiences over the course of my life, and I realize that I am the only person who can tear those walls down.

And tear them down I will!

no turning back

Today begins Week 6/18—when this week is over I’ll be ¹/₃ of the way done with my training! It’s hard to believe that I’ve come from jogging 60-second intervals to 180-second intervals, and even harder to believe that next week I’ll be jogging up to 300 seconds at a time (don’t get ahead of yourself, Misty). A lot of factors have contributed to the fact that I’ve been able to stay motivated:

1. A strong desire for change—The saying goes that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink; the same is true for any fitness goal. So many people admire healthful living and fitness in other people, but admiration and desire aren’t the same thing. If you truly, truly desire something, you will go after it, and you will get it. I’ve spent many years being wishy-washy about being healthier and living better, and the bottom line is, being fit enough to jog 3 miles at a time wasn’t enough of a priority for me. I have no other excuse. You can only succeed if you really, truly desire to! This is the most vital motivational factor.

2. Tangible results & a goal—This is something I’ve always been missing in my training, and I think this is a key reason I’ve been able to stay on track with this routine. By using the Couch to 5k training program, I can see my results week after week. I know that, so far, I’ve increased my jog intervals by 120 seconds since I started! And because I’ve been tracking it, I know I’ve improved my weight training routine time (same routine every week) by 06:14! Both of these things indicate that my body is improving in strength and endurance. Having a goal at the end, too, is vital here. I know I’m working toward jogging a full 5k, and I can push myself toward that goal when I feel tired or unmotivated.

3. Living healthfully in other areas of life—I believe my training would be a lot harder if I didn’t have other healthy habits besides jogging/walking and weight training. It’s important that you eat a balanced diet. I wouldn’t call myself a health nut by any means. I have canned vegetables and boxed snacks in my pantry just like most Americans. But portion control is important; eating veggies with every meal is important; indulging only every once in a while (I limit myself to no more than one indulgence per day) is important; drinking lots of water is important; avoiding all kinds of substance abuse (smoking, alcoholism, drugs, caffeine) is important! I know a lot of people who change one area of their lives and don’t change others and they never feel results. Living healthfully takes effort in all areas of life.

4. Accountability—This is so, so, so, SO important! I’ve been telling everyone—family, friends, the entire Facebook community—that I’m on this program. A lot of times, being accountable only to yourself isn’t enough to keep you going. In my case, when I don’t want to get up in the morning and go for my jog, I remind myself that everyone is counting on me to succeed in the way I’ve been telling them I will! I’m not just doing it for myself anymore! And you don’t have to tell everyone—you can have one accountability partner, someone who’ll check up on you and who expects you to check up on them, too.

Those four factors have been keeping me going over the last 5+ weeks of training. Yesterday, I added a 5^th factor:

5. A pair of real running shoes!—Welldang. Now that I’ve spent a pretty penny on a pair of actual running shoes, I have no excuse! I’m going to get my money’s worth out of these!

I should get them in a few days (the store didn’t have my size in the right color so they had to order them). What a massive difference when I put those babies on my feet in the store yesterday! I can’t wait to switch out my current shoes (they’re actually walking shoes—yikes!) for these in a couple days.

If nothing else, an excuse to buy another pair of shoes should motivate you, right? ;)

the nectar of the gods

Today’s “feels like” temperature high was 104 degrees Fahrenheit; that’s pretty typical for Nashville lately. There’s one thing sustaining me during my workouts in this heat—water, water, water, the nectar of the gods.

Usually I do a fairly good job drinking enough water. I almost always get 64 ounces (that’s eight 8-ounce glasses of water for all my fellow mathdicapped people out there) in a day. But lately my goal has been 96 ounces since I’m spending more time outside and plenty of time sweating bullets.

I found a great iPhone app called Waterlogged to help me stay on track—of course the best part is that it’s free. It’s really simple to use; it has a no-frills, basic interface. You put in your goal amount of water you’d like to drink each day and input water as you drink it. It’s been a vital tool this past week as the temperatures have been brutal!

In other news, I’ve finished Week 4/18. I improved my weight training time by another 01:04 (for a total improvement so far of 01:29). And today I made it through the first jog of Week 5 which took me from my usual 1-1/2-minute intervals to 3-minute intervals! I struggled through the last interval but kept telling myself to go, go, go! I got through it!

It’s amazing to me that in four weeks I’ve gone from struggling to jog for 1 minute at a time to jogging 3 minutes at a time today! It may seem like a small accomplishment, but I daresay I’m proud of myself. :) I’ve got my eyes on the prize—the endurance to jog 3.1 miles without stopping!

That’s a prize worth sweating (and rehydrating) for!

the club

Apparently runners are like smokers. Of course there are some obvious lifestyle differences, but I’ve discovered one thing that makes them similar. Being a smoker automatically puts you in the smoker club—you’re friends with any smoker you might find standing outside on a smoke break. And being a runner automatically puts you in the runner club—you’re friends with anybody you jog past on your morning run. I’ve gone jogging/walking nine times now since I started training, and every time during those runs I’ve come across someone, I’ve felt an instant kinship. It doesn’t matter if you can jog 60 seconds at a time or 20 miles at a time—you’re in the club.

I’m feeling really good at the end of Week 3. This new level of intensity isn’t as hard as I feared. I think a lot of it is mental. I went into this weak with the motto: “You are so much stronger than you think.” I do believe that acknowledging that helped me along. I’ve noticed, too, that I’m not getting as fatigued as before doing things I do almost every day, such as going up the stairs at work. On top of feeling good about the week, I’m also happy to report I improved my weight training time by 00:25 from last week. I know that doesn’t seem like much, but any progress is good progress, no matter how small…

…and I am making progress!

realistic inspiration

First things first, an update on my progress: I’ve finished 2 weeks of my 18-week training plan. Every two weeks, the walk/jog workout increases in intensity. The last workout of the first two weeks felt really great—I eased right through it and didn’t feel too fatigued at all, so I think the plan is just the right pace. We’ll see when I start the next intensity next week. Honestly I’m a little nervous that it’s going to be too hard, but I have to remind myself that on Day 1 that’s how I felt, and two weeks later that same workout was easy for me! One day at a time!

Now I want to talk about expectations.

The other day I went to Pinterest to find some inspiring quotes and images to help keep me motivated as I go through this 18-week process. I searched for “fitness inspiration.” Here are a couple of the many not inspiring images that came up:

 <— Girl 1.

Problems: This girl is a model—therefore she is undoubtedly airbrushed. (Trust me on this—I’ve done many a paper on the subject of the portrayal of women in media. Those legs have been painted!) Also, most of us will never be that skinny. Her frame is just small. Also, her legs look stronger than they really are because she’s standing on her tiptoes.

 

<—Girl 2.

Problems: Again, genetics play a big part here. I could never look like this as my ribcage is much larger than this lady’s. Also airbrushed. This woman is a celebrity—it is her job to look her best. Do you have a full time job? Is it to work out all day? Do you have a personal chef and a personal trainer and spend your entire day working on how you look? No? Then you cannot look like this woman.

 

There are so, so many images like this floating around as “inspiration,” on Pinterest and other places. I’m not really sure why we women (sorry, guys!) feel like we have to look like these people to be fit! It’s ridiculous, but even more so, it’s sad. We have to have realistic expectations about ourselves and about the potential of our own bodies.

I don’t mean to make this sound like, no matter what level of health you’re at right now, you’re not capable of being fit—every body has the potential to be lean and strong. But your “fit” will look different than my “fit,” and most of our “fits” will never look like the ones in the above images.

While you may not be an airbrushed model who works out eight hours a day, you are beautiful. You have the ability to be healthy and feel better.

And if you need some motivation, maybe these images will work a little better:

Now get out there and find out what your body can do! :)

1 down, 17 to go

Hello, blogosphere! It’s been quite some time since I posted here on The Antivanity. I’ve been wanting to get back into posting for some time, and I feel sufficiently inspired now to start again!

A lot of things have converged in recent months to motivate me to start working out again on a regular basis. 1) My recent discovery that I have a blood clotting disorder has made working out essential, but until the start of this year I hadn’t quite figured out a routine that I could really stick to. 2) I tried last year to do Couch to 5k training and I let it beat me—I’m ready to defeat it this time! 3) I’ve wanted to do the Walk to End Alzheimer’s for a couple years now, so I’ve finally committed!

I’ve decided that, in order to keep myself accountable, I’ll post some (hopefully weekly) updates to the blog about my progress. I’m a creature of habit and I love lists, so I made this handy spreadsheet to track my progress:

As you can see, today I officially finished Week 1! Couch to 5k training is normally 9 weeks long; but since I’ve never had any conditioning at all, I found that training was too hard for me last time, and I gave up. This time, I’m spreading the training out over 18 weeks, doing each week twice. This will coincide with the Walk to End Alzheimer’s almost perfectly, which happens 18 weeks from today! The WEA is only 2 miles, but I’m pretending it’s the 5k I’m training for to keep myself motivated!

The C25K training includes 3 days of cardio training a week, so I’ve added two extra days to that: one yoga day and one weight training day. The yoga is more of a rest day, and the weight training is wicked hard, so it’ll balance itself out.

While I’m tracking my progress by distance jogged, number of workouts a week, and even weekly photos of myself, I’m not tracking my weight. I almost included it, but I will stand by my conviction that if I work out and eat well for the next 18 weeks, I’ll look and feel better, no matter what my weight is!

I’ve never felt more able and determined to stick to a training program—this is it! I think having the WEA at the end of training is the charm that makes me feel so resolute. Alzheimer’s took my grandfather’s life and devastated my family, so I feel very passionately about both fundraising and taking care of myself for the cause! If you want, check out my personal WEA page for some details and ways you can help.

Look for more updates in the coming weeks!

realism & optimism

It is good to have ambitions about your body. It is good to want to build muscle and be stronger. It is good to want to tone up and lose some fat. It is good to want to eat healthy and feel better. Honestly, it’s good to want to make the body you’re given as fit as it can be. What is not good is having unrealistic expectations about yourself.

There are some things you can’t change about your body. For instance, I will never be pencil-thin. I carry my weight in my hips and even if I only weighed 100 pounds (which would look sickening, by the way), I would still be shaped like a pear. I have a prominent nose and it’s not going anywhere. Some men are naturally thin. Some women have thicker legs than others. Some people have knobbly knees and bony shoulders.

Some people look at others (particularly celebrities) and yearn to look just like them. But you know, I will never look like Keira Knightley. Nor will I ever have a bust as big as Kim Kardashian’s. But I can eat better, exercise more, look better, and feel better because of the choices that I make about myself. I can hone the body I have into its most beautiful state without being worried about comparing it to someone else’s.

It’s okay to want to improve—it’s not okay to want to be someone you not only aren’t, but can’t be.

Be the best you possible.

image by klaireebearr on Flickr

blog share: exercise tips from the happiness project

Check out this blog post from The Happiness Project:

12 Tips for Getting Regular Exercise -- and the Benefits for Happiness and Fitness.

I found these tips to be really encouraging, especially since I often struggle with exercising on a regular basis. Do yourself some good today…check out the post and then go get some exercise! :)

the weight obsession

I have a scale in my house, but not for the same reason as most people. Most people take their weight and obsess over it—their weight becomes their worth. I have a scale so I can accurately calculate my body fat percentage, a measure of health.

Our culture has become so obsessed with two things: weight and appearance. Because of this obsession, many people let their actual health fall to the wayside, lost in the fray of counting calories and fitting into one size smaller. The amazing truth is, when you’re healthy, the weight and appearance factors fall right where you wanted them to be in the first place. And even then, when you’re healthy, you don’t really care as much about weight and appearance. You feel so much more energized and so much more confident when you’re healthy, that those other things aren’t as important anymore.

I don’t want to imply that weight isn’t important. When you’ve already found yourself in the unhealthy weight category, it is important to get your weight under control. Being overweight can contribute to diabetes, stress on the muscles and joints, and can lead to heart attack and stroke. But if we treat our bodies as though health is our priority, we will eat well, exercise regularly, and otherwise take care of ourselves. A healthy weight will follow.

Body fat percentage is a far better measure of your current health. Basically, body fat percentage tells you how much of your body is fat and how much is lean body mass (muscles, bones, etc.). There are different ranges for different people depending on gender and lifestyle. For instance, men don’t need as much body fat as women do in order to be healthy. Also, naturally, an athlete’s body fat percentage will be far lower than an average person’s percentage. I strongly recommend that you do some research and find out 1) what your current body fat percentage is, 2) what it should be, and 3) what you need to do to be healthy based on what you find.

I encourage you to check out this website where body fat percentage is explained in an easy-to-understand way. The site also shows a chart of healthy body fat percentages. One of the most important points this particular site makes is that often a person’s weight goal is actually an unhealthy weight. Go check it out—you might be surprised by what you find.

The most accurate way to calculate body fat percentage that’s available to the average person is to use a hand-held body fat analyzer like one of these. Luckily for me we already have one of these in our house because my husband is a personal trainer and he bought one to use with his clients. They’re really not too expensive, especially when you consider how much money people sometimes spend just on a scale. But if for some reason you’d rather not buy one, you can also use online calculators like this one. They’re not as accurate, but they’re still a better measurement of your health than just a scale.

It’s quite difficult to rewrite in our minds what’s important, but the weight obsession is a dangerous one.

Prioritize health.

this is me

This is me. I chose this picture very specifically for this post. I’m not wearing make-up, my hair isn’t done, I’m not really posing for the camera trying to look my best, and, most importantly, this is a profile picture, and I much prefer a straight-on shot of me than a profile pic. We’ll get into why in another post, but I wanted to go ahead and post a picture of myself that isn’t my best picture, if nothing else to show you that I mean to be transparent here. I want anyone who reads this to understand that you aren’t the only person who feels the way you do about your body. It’s very important that all of us get it—it is normal to have these struggles and feelings of inadequacy. But what isn’t normal is letting those struggles and feelings run your life. See that it might not be the best photo of you and move on. A photo only shows people your visual aspects, and those aren’t the most important, despite what our world might be telling us.

I also wanted to post a photo of myself to show you that it isn’t just certain types of people who feel insecure. I’m a relatively average girl. I am overweight but not by too much (according to health standards, mind you!). I have relatively clear skin, small ears, a nose that curves out, uneven toes, unruly hair, dark under-eye circles, and very peely finger nails. Why is all this important? Because I have to live in this skin, with these bones. This is me, and I have to improve myself as much as I can to live healthily and happily, but I have to accept the things I can’t change.

And so do you.

the antivanity 101

“Seeking health & happiness in a world demanding flawlessness.” 

I have always felt very passionate about the issues of self-esteem, media, body image, societal expectations, and health vs. superficial beauty. This is probably because I struggle with all of these myself. Please don’t anticipate that I have it all figured out. I struggle particularly with confidence among other things. But we all do. All of us have felt like we’re too tall or too short or our boobs are too big or too small or our feet look funny or we have weird knees.

Here on The Antivanity I’m going to write about my own struggles with self-esteem and body image, about how to try to combat those negative feelings we have about ourselves, and especially about prioritizing health over looks (something I notice almost 100% of women grappling with in my daily life). I’m no expert, but I’m right in the thick of it…

just like you.