Sunday, June 2, 2013

setbacks and successes

I’ve had a hard time getting back into the swing of training. After my winter hibernation workouts at the gym, I’ve lost a lot of my endurance simply because the treadmill is just not right for me. Now when I run, I feel sloppy and unnatural, like my body has forgotten how to do it properly. When I was training last summer, there came a point when my body would just propel itself forward sometimes…I could feel it telling me “now it’s time to go faster!” and I would just let it, and it felt great. Then after several seconds I could feel it saying “okay, time to slow down” and it would just happen. Now when I run, I feel like I’ve never done it before, like I’m working so hard just to stay upright and not trip all over my own feet. I miss being able to just zone out and let my body do its thing. I haven’t missed the struggle.

Last Thursday was the first time this year that I felt my body indicating that it wanted to take over and guide me. I felt so relieved in that moment but at the same time I’ve felt discouraged at how much progress I’ve lost. So over the last several weeks, I’ve missed some runs. I’ve had to run a couple days back-to-back just to get in all three runs each week. I look at the chart on the wall where I’m tracking my progress and instead of feeling excited about what I’ve accomplished, I feel ashamed at what I haven’t. I regret letting myself lose so much of my ability. I don’t feel proud at all.

Then yesterday I read this post on Don Miller’s blog. I’ve always had this problem…I’m an overachiever and have difficulty setting realistic expectations when I get a new project in my head. But worst of all, when I see that I’m failing at meeting the expectations I’ve set for myself, I become overwhelmed with guilt. (Guilt is a serious issue I struggle with…at some point there’s going to have to be a whole post dedicated to it.) I get stuck in this whirlwind of what I should’ve done, and what a failure I am, that I can’t feel motivated anymore, and that I’d rather just give up entirely.

So I decided to take that training tracker off the wall and throw it in the garbage. I decided to make a new one. A fresh one. With new dates and new (slightly altered) expectations. There’s no point in staring at everything I haven’t done if it’s keeping me from making progress. So I’m starting over as of this week.


As of today, I’m done thinking about what I didn’t do over the last few weeks. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up early and start over at Week 1, Run 1 of my training. At some point we overachievers have to choose to move on from what didn’t happen and be merciful enough on ourselves to start over. A clean slate.

I’m not going to let the past dictate the future. I’m going to stop getting stuck in regret. And I’m going to stop feeling guilty.

And I’m going to run.


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